


Her Angel Eyes Saw Through The Devil Within Him

by adreamthatsbarelyhalfawake



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, partners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23699149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamthatsbarelyhalfawake/pseuds/adreamthatsbarelyhalfawake
Summary: Hailey and Jay have been partners for years but recently they've become more. She's moved in, they're more than friends.They're... dating? It sounds to middle school for them, they're... yeah, no, they are definitely dating.Deals with some pretty heavy topics; PTSD, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, etc.Will definitely be multi chapter so just hang in there for the next update, it won’t be tooo far away I promise :)
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 5
Kudos: 78





	1. Reassurances

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Lovelies,
> 
> I have currently only written this chapter but I will be working on it as much as possible and updating and soon as the next chapter is done. I hope you like it, I don't usually write for CPD but we shall see where this goes. 
> 
> Chapter two will pick up immediately where chapter one ends :)

When they first started sleeping together it was a comfort fling, getting together after a tough day at work or a particularly disturbing case - an extension onto ‘their thing.’ It was a way for them to be closer to each other, but they kept it casual, both too scared to admit how they really felt. There was no need for Jay to tell Hailey all about the triggers that set off his panic attacks and nightmares, they weren’t sleeping together regularly, only when they both needed that closeness from the other. Jay wouldn’t allow himself to sleep on those nights, just in case. While Hailey knew about the nightmares that he experienced and had calmed him through multiple panic attacks at work, she didn’t know the extent of how bad the nightmares could be, how startled he could get when he was woken up. The last thing that he ever wanted to do was hurt her by accident. But as she started to stay over more regularly and they became more than a casual comfort fling, he slowly started letting his guard down and allowing himself to sleep more periodically. Then, when they finally became something more than friends, when they finally admitted to each other and themselves how much they loved the other, she moved in. They were more than dating now. Full-blown partners, in and out of work. They were each other's lifeline, if one went down, then so did the other. 

They both knew this night would be bad, Jay had told Hailey all about his time over in Afghanistan and she knew all about his PTSD and had tackled his nightmares more times than she could count over the past couple of months. In all their time as partners and those late nights during ‘their thing,’ she had never experienced a July fourth with him. The day had gone off without a hitch, kept busy by the huge drug cartel case that they had been investigating, they didn’t even have time to realize what day it was. But now, as they sat at home cuddled up on the couch, Jay knew that this was something Hailey needed to know. 

Her body was tucked tightly in between his left side and the back of the couch, her head rested on his shoulder as her left arm slung over his abdomen, pulling him closer to her. Stroking the top of her head to get her attention, Hailey adjusted herself slightly so that she was more on top of him than beside him.

“It’s July fourth today,” he announced quietly. “I um, the fireworks tonight, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I never do. I, uh, I could be fine but I want you to know that it might end up really bad… if you want to crash somewhere else toni-” 

“Jay, look at me.” She cut him off, pressing a palm up to his cheek and forcing his head down to look at her. “Whatever happens, wherever you are is where I want to be tonight. You think I’m just going to leave you here alone? I’m not going anywhere, partners remember? I’ve got your back Halstead, just like you’d have mine.” It was true, Jay never knew the extent of how badly her father’s abusive behaviors had affected her until they started sleeping together, even Hailey got the occasional nightmare and even though they were few and far between and usually only happened when there was a severe domestic abuse case, when she got them they were severe. He spent many nights lying with her in bed after a harsh day at work talking her into falling asleep and dealing with the nightmares later on. It still didn’t ease his worries though.

“I don’t want to hurt you Hails, if I lose it and don’t know where I am, I’m not going to be able to stop myself from accidentally hurting you.” 

“Let's just take it as it comes okay? We’ll go to bed early and get some sleep and see what happens. I can call Will if you want? He could crash in the guest room tonight if you would feel more comfortable with him here tonight, but I’m not leaving you, not tonight.” She grazed her thumb over his jaw reassuringly, she could already feel him working himself up. His heart was racing ever so slightly and his breathing was ragged and unstable.

“Uh, no Will’s working tonight but I might end up in the guest room if I can’t sleep.”

“I mean if that’s what you want but if you’re not sleeping tonight then neither am I, so you may as well be in bed with me but I won’t stop you. I don’t want you to be more worked up, so if you need to be alone tonight then I’ll go to the guest room because I’m not leaving you here alone and I’m certainly not kicking you out of our bed” Hailey tried to reason with him.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” A small smile crept onto his lips. Hailey reached up to kiss him, it’s soft and slow but it doesn’t go any further, it's a comfort kiss, an ‘I love you even though we haven’t said it yet’ kiss. 

Whatever happens tonight, they’re partners and there is no way in hell that she would ever let him suffer alone. Because truthfully? She would be just as unhappy knowing that he was here struggling, panicked and alone. She loves him way too much to let that happen. Jay Halstead isn’t just her partner or her boyfriend, he is her entire world, what kind of woman would she be to just let all that go? A damn stupid one, she decided.


	2. Partners

Hailey was fast asleep next to him when he felt the cold sweats and panic creep in and take over his insides. He was lucky to have fallen asleep at all earlier, watching Hailey as she slept always helped him to fall asleep though. Counting her breaths as his hand lay on her waist, he was able to feel her right next to him, it grounded him enough to try and sleep. They were both anxiously awaiting what was to come later in the night.

He wasn’t sure what had woken him up at first, Hailey was certainly still sound asleep tucked tightly into his side so he knew it wasn’t her. Then it happened, _bang, bang, bang,_ the first firecrackers of the night. The popping and cracking sounded too close, as if it was above their bed and raining down onto their bodies. Instantly the shaking started and his heart rate accelerated, he was already losing control. He couldn’t afford to do that, not with her laying right here beside him, the risk of hurting her was growing with each anxious beat of his heart.

Oblivious to his distress, Hailey continued to sleep soundly as he disentangled his body from hers, quietly getting up from the bed and making his way into the guest room. If he was going to have a full-on panic attack or PTSD episode, he was doing it a safe distance away from her. He knew how unpredictable he could get, Hailey had copped her fair share of scares in the early days with his nightmares but they had both developed a system that seemed to work for them and it had been a long time since he had woken up violently against her. It still didn’t ease his worries though, he hadn’t had a PTSD episode in so long and as far as he was aware, only Will had experienced them with him.

Unsure of what had roused her from her sleep and subconsciously still anticipating the night to come, Hailey rolled over to Jay’s side of the bed. Instead of the warm body she was expecting, she was met with cold sheets. He had been out of bed for a while and she hadn’t noticed. That’s when she heard it, the unmistakable sound of fireworks popping in the distance.

_Shit._

She bolted upright, scrambling out of bed to search for him. Her first thought was the couch in the living room but when she got there she could see the glowing colors of the fireworks in the distance, knowing that that would most likely be a trigger for him, she made her way to the guest bedroom.

The lights were off and the curtains were drawn but she could just make out the figure of his body. Her heart sunk a little when she saw him, he looked so small, curled tightly in the corner of the room, wedged between the bed and the wall. His whole body was shaking violently and he didn’t even register when she sat on the floor in front of him.

“Jay, baby. Are you okay?” Hailey said calmly, she had seen him in a worse state than this before but she knew to tread lightly today so she refrained from touching him, instead, she inched her way a little closer to his body so there was little distance between them. Jay’s head snapped up from in between his legs almost immediately, his eyes wide and panicked. Hailey could see straight through his eyes, they had a strange look about them, as if he wasn’t entirely all there in the room with her. Another round of popping explosions sent him curling back into himself, rocking his body back and forth as his breathing became ragged and difficult.

_Screw it._

Hailey knew that touching him could be dangerous for the both of them but she also knew that it was the contact that he so desperately needed to ground himself right now. Usually, she wouldn’t hesitate in pulling his entire body into her embrace, but given how panicked he was and the unsettled look in his eyes, she opted to move and face his side before laying a comforting hand on the back of his neck, every so often running a hand slowly through his hair and settling back onto his neck. He jumped violently at first, almost launching himself into the air at the initial unexpected contact.

“Whoa, it’s okay Jay, it’s just me. You’re okay.” she said softly, she didn’t get a response but he also didn’t shy away when she started to run her fingers soothingly through his hair. She felt guilty, she wished she’d realized what today was sooner so they could have been better prepared but they had both been so busy with this case neither of them knew what the actual day of the week was. Hailey understood why he had the reactions to the fireworks, it didn’t make her love him any less. This was starting to freak her out a little bit though, she had been sitting on the floor with him for the last twenty minutes and he was still paralyzed with fear, it never usually took him this long to calm down from a nightmare or panic attack but she understood. This was different, he wasn’t just here in the room with her, he was transporting himself back to Afghanistan too, she could tell by the way he would mumble incoherent sentences to himself and look frantically around as if he was searching for a way out.

She shuffled closer to him until they were sitting side by side, he was still curled tightly in on himself but every now and then his eyes would search for hers and he would have a momentary minute of calm before the next set of fireworks were let off and he would cower again. She could see the pain and fear etched into his face as he clenched his jaw and he squeezed his eyes shut. All of a sudden a massive cocktail of fireworks were let off in the near distance behind them and he practically flew into Hailey’s arms, she knew that they were heading into the imminent panic attack territory and could only hold him and speak to him softly as he fought his way through it. His whole body was trembling and she could feel his rapid breaths rattle his body as he forced them out. Suddenly, Jay’s hand was searching for hers, she knew now that his PTSD episode must be slowing and turning into more of a panic attack. She thanked God that she had called Will earlier and got him to tell her what to expect because from what she had been told, that was barely a PTSD episode at all. He certainly wasn’t as out of it as what Will had told her to expect. She pulled him closer to her and adjusted them on the floor so that they were lying on their sides facing each other, her left hand on the side of his face and her right one clutched tightly in his and resting over his heart so she could feel the rate it was beating. It was racing. Her thumb grazed his cheek softly as she whispered that he was safe, that the fireworks outside weren’t going to harm them in any way. She knew that trying to reason with him was useless but she couldn’t sit with him in silence, she knew he liked the sound of her voice. In the end she settled on humming the song that was playing when he first took her out for dinner when they became more than a casual fling, the gentle vibrations of her hums slowly grounding him a little more.

With every pop and whistle in the sky above them, Jay pulled her closer to him until she was almost lying on top of him, the pressure of her body on his gave him more reason to stay in the room with her and not let himself travel back in time. He had totally given up on trying to distance himself from her when he was in this state, he didn’t have the mental capacity to argue with himself right now and to be honest, he needed her more than she would ever know. There wasn’t much more that Hailey could do other than continue to switch between humming and murmuring sweet nothings to him. His body was trying desperately to breathe in air but struggled against the sharp forced inhales and small cries that left his mouth involuntarily, he was breathing in more air than he was breathing out and he was starting to get dizzy. Jay passing out didn’t worry Hailey, it was a common occurrence for him during a panic attack and had to have happened at least half a dozen times since they’d been together, it was one of the main reasons she was so hesitant to leave him in situations where he might get panicked. Her biggest fear is him passing out somewhere unsafe or hurting himself in the process. When it happened, it happened quickly and there often wasn’t a lot of notice between him first getting dizzy and him being completely unconscious and on the floor. He hadn’t let her tell anyone else on the team at work about it, but she had had a quick word with Voight after a particular case left Jay so rattled he refused to leave the crime scene. Voight was aware of what could happen and it gave Hailey some peace of mind knowing that if for some reason she couldn’t ever be there, that he would be safe.

“Jay, baby, you’ve got to breathe for me. I know you’re going to pass out, that’s okay but you have to try and breathe for me.” They were lying on the floor so she knew he couldn't completely pass out but he was dangerously pale and every so often his eyes would roll back into his head before he came around again. She was keen to get him from the floor in the guest room to their bed so that once this was all over he could just crash but she didn’t know whether to stay here and wait it out or slowly move back to their room and risk him passing out along the way.

“I’m… sorry… for all… this… Hailey.” Jay said, fighting the words out after every rapid intake of breath. He seemed to be calming down a little bit now, and while his heart was still racing and he was dangerously pale, his breathing seemed to be improving.

“Jay.” She just sighed and looked down into his eyes.

“Partners remember? We’re a team. I go where you go, even if I have to follow you blind. I will always follow you. No matter what. Okay?” She wanted to kiss him but she knew he couldn't handle that contact around his face yet, not while he was still struggling to breathe. All he could do was nod slightly as the tears that had been threatening to fall this entire time slowly slid down his face. His heart was still racing a million miles a minute and his head was still foggy but just those few words from her made some of the fog clear away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the abrupt ending on this chapter but I felt it was getting too long and not going anywhere. I'm in two minds about whether to leave it here or continue, the next chapter will pick up almost immediately where this one left off and I've currently written about half of it. I'm always up for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism so feel free to give any feedback and also let me know if you want this story to continue, where you want it to go and how long you want it to be. I have some ideas in mind and I'm currently sitting with a goal of about 25,000 words (around 20-25 chapters) but if people are happy for it to be left here then I'll start on another Chicago fic :) Feel free to give ideas on what you want written, this lockdown has got me good!! Thanks for reading :)


	3. Love Is More Than Just A Word

After what felt like hours, the popping and explosions in the sky finally stopped. Jay and Hailey were still sprawled out on the floor of the guest room, Hailey’s head resting on Jay’s shoulder and their legs tangled together below them. Jay was fading in and out of sleep, startling himself every so often until Hailey placed a calming hand over his heart and he relaxed again.

“Let’s go to bed Jay,” Hailey whispered as she twisted to look up at his face. The immense fear and pain that was written across his face earlier had left his eyes looking grey and tired. His hold on her tightened until she was once again lying on top of him, her head tucked under his chin. 

“I’m scared Hailey, I thought it was getting better, that I was getting better. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I don’t want to hurt you, you are the most important thing to me.” He admitted quietly, Hailey could feel him release a shuddering shaky breath under her.    
  


She sat up, pushing herself off of his chest so that she was sitting by his hip. She grabbed his hand, pulling him up to sit in front of her, she snaked a hand up to his neck and cupped his cheek, skimming her thumb over his jaw. 

“Jay look at me, look at me.” Slowly he brought his eyes up to meet hers, his were brimmed with tears that were threatening to fall. He hated being weak, he should be strong, a real man. Real men didn’t cry.

“Jay, I know you’re scared, I know, I know and it’s okay. I’m not leaving you, I will never leave you. I love you, Jay. I love you okay? I love you so fucking much, this, this is just a blip in the road. You’ve been through it before, you can do it again. Plus, now you’ve got me, you will always have me. We’ll do this together, always, we’re a team. Maybe we can look at getting you back into therapy, yeah? We’ll talk about it more tomorrow but whatever happens, we will do it together. I’ll follow you blind remember?” That wasn’t exactly how she had imagined telling him she loved him for the first time, but she knew it was the right time. It was exactly what he needed to hear right now.

All of a sudden, he collapsed forwards into her, resting his head on her shoulder as he broke into a sob. Brick by brick his walls came down until the last of his anxieties that he had been holding in, poured out into floods of uncontrollable tears. His whole body shook as he crumbled in front of her and violent gut-wrenching sobs took over. His hands fumbled as they grasped at her sides, and as more tears came, more thoughts raced through his head until he began hyperventilating again. Hailey was stunned, she didn’t expect this reaction at all. She knew they were dangerously close to panic attack territory again, there wasn’t much she could do for him now though, he just needed to work through what he was feeling. He had bottled up his emotions for far too long, he had been through so much, some things she was sure he hadn’t fully processed but that was okay. She was just relieved he had finally let her in.

Hailey reached up and ran a hand through his hair, her other hand running calmly up and down his back. He was still leaning into her, his head nestled between her neck and shoulder, and his arms bound tightly around her waist. She didn’t realise it, but Jay was using the feel of her heartbeat to ground himself, to bring himself back to reality and try to calm down. His breathing was becoming a little steadier and Hailey was glad that they had passed through panic attack territory without needing to make a stop. It was only a brief emotional meltdown and he had managed to pull himself together before he induced another panic attack. Finally, Jay sat upright again, pulling himself away from Hailey’s warm embrace.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, barely audible at all. He didn’t look her in the eye, ashamed of how he had reacted. This was everything he had wanted. Hailey, his best friend, his partner, his Hailey, had just said ‘I love you.’ She said ‘I love you’ and he broke down, he didn’t even know why. 

“You’re okay.” She said soothingly. “Are you dizzy at all? Do you think you're gonna pass out?” Jay shook his head, still not meeting her eyes. 

“Hey.” Hailey said firmly. “Look at me, Jay.” She grasped his chin with her thumb and index finger and gently guided his face towards her, reluctantly he lifted his eyes to meet hers. 

“I’m not mad, I’m not angry, you don’t need to be embarrassed. This,” she motioned to the two of them on the floor. “This is okay, I would much rather go through all this with you ten times over, than have you bottle it all up and let it out in other ways. You have to let me in, that’s the deal now, okay?” All he could do was just nod at her, she was amazing. It was now close to two am, Jay had glanced at the clock on the wall every now and then and had slowly seen the time slip by. Hailey had sat with him for hours and was still concerned about him, he didn’t understand why she stayed. She knew he could have hurt her, she knew that his episode could’ve gone in the complete opposite direction and he could have flipped out, yet she continued to stay, without hesitation. 

“I think we should go to bed now yeah? I know you’re not ready to sleep yet but maybe we could just put on Netflix and cuddle up for a bit?” She grabbed his hand, pulling him up with her as she stood up. She watched him for a minute, making sure that the change in body position wasn’t going to cause him to pass out, she knew his blood pressure wouldn’t be back to normal quite yet. 

“Are you feeling okay?” She asked as she turned to face him. She had one hand grasped in his and the other hovering cautiously over his other arm, ready to grab him in an instant if she needed. He squeezed her hand and nodded, but as she went to move away towards their room he grasped tightly onto her wrist, making her turn and look worriedly at him.

“Hailey, thank you.” He said quietly. I uh, I just want you to know that I…” He trailed off, he started to go a little grey, swaying slightly where he stood. In a heartbeat, Hailey was by his side and guided him back towards the guest bed.

“You good?” She asked cautiously as she knelt down in front of him. His eyes looked a little glazed and for a moment she wondered if he was slipping back into a PTSD episode.

“Jay are you good?” She asked more firmly, placing a hand on his knee and shaking it a little.

“Uh, yeah, just a little dizzy. Go to bed?”

“Can you make it to our room or do you want to go to the couch for a bit?”

“Honestly Hailey, I just want to lay with you again, I don’t really care where it is. We should probably go to bed though, you look shattered.” He admitted quietly, he felt awful about keeping her awake. He didn’t know when but Jay could tell at some point during the night Hailey had been crying, her eyes were red and her nose was a little pink. She looked dead on her feet but yet she still continued to put him first. 

“How about we just sleep in here tonight? The bed’s already made up and we can climb in right now.” She suggested.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Hailey stood up and moved around to the side of the bed that Jay would usually sleep on and pulled back the covers. She stood guard over him as he took off his sweats and top, her arms stretched out slightly, just in case he passed out without any warning. Jay climbed under the covers in just his boxers, sighing as he lay on the comfy mattress rather than the hardwood floor they had been on moments earlier. Hailey removed her own sweatpants before climbing into the left side of the bed beside Jay, instantly cuddling up to him. She had left the main light on in the room, knowing that Jay wouldn’t be able to sleep for quite some time. It usually took him a good couple of hours before he could get into a solid sleep after a panic attack, so she only assumed it would be the same tonight. She settled in beside him lying on her side and pressing her back to his front as they lay in their usual spooning sleep position, Jay wrapped his arm around her middle and drew her closer to him.

“Hailey.” He whispered softly into her hair. “I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Lovelies,
> 
> This chapter was actually surprisingly tricky to write. As someone who suffers from panic attacks and PTSD, I really wanted to convey how Jay was feeling at that moment. Please keep in mind that everybody's mental health is different and the way I have chosen to write Jay's is very much a spin-off of mine so of course, it will be different from the one you might read from another writer. 
> 
> Also, this story is going to start getting a bit darker as we delve into Jay's mental health a little more so I will make sure I put trigger warnings at the start of those chapters so you can decide if you want to read it :)
> 
> I'm hoping to update once a week and plan on getting ahead with the chapters this week as I am currently putting them out as I write them. I want a solid couple behind me so that I can always guarantee you a chapter a week.
> 
> I hope you are all staying safe <3  
> \- Lex xx


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